It's like we gave up washing their faces for lent...

Snip and Snails and Salamander Tails...

Danny and the whole family had a great time this weekend hanging out in West Virginia with some friends from our church. Fortunately the rain let up so we got a chance to do some exploring. We asked Danny on the way home though what his favorite part of the trip was though and he said "sleeping in the car on the way home".

Must have forgotten about the thrill of discovering the salamander and spider egg sac as well as his "plunge" into the tiny creek and pretend fishing at the waterfall. But he's probably right about the nap. After a few days out in nature, our little city boy was pretty tuckered out.  Already looking forward to heading out there again! -M

Criticism Catcher

The other night as I was drifting off to sleep I was thinking about how very easy it is for me to criticize people. And you know what? I don't like that I do it one bit.

I like to think I'm pretty sneaky about it though. I mean, I don't say just anything to anyone, and in fact, one strategy that I have is to just share them with Susanne.

How much fun can that be for her?

I also like to think that I find "good" words to say critical things. For example, I'll say that someone is "high strung" instead of saying that they are "annoying", which is really just being critical anyway.

So as I drifted off to sleep that night I imagined a big Dream Catcher to catch all my critical comments before they pop out of my mouth.

I've "caught" 4 pretty mean comments since then.  I like it when imagery works for me. I hope this one sticks! Monica

 P.S. Also, calling a neighbor "crazy "insert name here" is a really bad idea. Cuz remember, three year olds think that that is the person's name and they will tend to say "hi" accordingly!

Uncle Neily

So this weekend Danny stared whining about how he wanted his "Uncle Neily". I thought that was pretty sweet since Uncle lives far away and Danny doesn't see him often. But the more I questioned him the more frustrated he got until I realized that he was telling me that he wanted his "Ukulele". We'd just bought him a real ukulele and he is in love with it. Sorry Danny. I'll try to listen better next time. Oh and Uncle Neily...he wants you too. Time to come for a visit! -M

Just to clarify...

I showed Danny yesterday's post with the picture he drew of his "favorite animal".  He thought it was great and the best part was that when I asked him if he knew that a pool wasn't an animal he looked at me and said "mom, there's an animal IN the pool".

Apparently there is a monkey in there somewhere. So he says ;-) (Pretty good answer though if I do say so myself!) -M

I'm so proud. I think.

I have a few more months to use the "he's only three" card right? ;-)

Boys will be, well, you know...

 Aren't they angelic?

Oh, maybe not so much...

Sorting through mom’s things (a trip to the brain dump)

This weekend I flew to Minnesota and spent many hours with my sister Alice systematically sorting through our mom’s possessions—packing things to donate, filling trash bags with things that were no longer needed, and talking a lot about both our mom and dad as we paused often to reflect on their lives and our loss.

It was tiring—pretty much equally emotionally and physically. I was going to write more about this but somehow I just don’t feel like it.

Work goes well. Susanne and the boys are fine. Spring is coming. Just wish I could pick up the phone and talk to mom about everything. -M

Come on Spring. You know you want to stay...

What a Shame...

Today I attended the funeral Mass of the husband of a co-worker. He died very unexpectedly a week ago and he was clearly very much loved by many as hundreds of people poured into his family's Catholic Church to say goodbye.

The priest, bless his heart, started off by welcoming everyone and saying something along the lines that although many people of different faiths were in the space he knew that the Christian love was a common bond that tied many of us together as we gathered to celebrate this man's life.

That was all fine and good and the service was touching, but then I couldn't help but feel shocked when it came time for communion. The priest had to explain to the roughly 500 mourners that the only people who were welcome to the table were those who were Catholic and who did not have grave sin in their hearts. The crowd began to murmur. Clearly a huge majority of mainly African-American mourners were not Catholic.

He pleaded with them to please understand that the Church was working very hard to change this--it didn't seem particularly right to him either I could tell. He did stress that Catholics believe that the Eucharist is not just a symbol--it is the actual body and blood of Jesus so not just anyone could receive it. He lamely invited anyone who wanted a blessing, to come up with their hands folded in front of them a certain way and he or a deacon would bless them. I don't think anyone took him up on that offer.

You know, although I am no longer Catholic, I have not been excommunicated from the Church and believe you me, the fact that I am gay, in no way to me is a grave sin (or any kind of sin at all). I don't believe that God made any mistake with me. But I hesitated. Why? I don't know exactly, but after about one second of thinking,  I went up to receive communion.

But I was mostly saddened that out of the 500 mourners only about 20 of us went up to take communion. It just seemed so sad. Like watching discrimination in action. Later a preacher who grew up with the man who died gave testimony and it was like night in day. He spoke of the awesome power of Jesus to console and teach us, comfort us, love us.

Night and day.

-M

Mama got a new phone for her birthday....Benji too!

We think he knows that this is a cardboard phone... ;-)

Apparently you can be too clean...

Benji got a little ahead of himself tonight and inserted himself head-first into the tub a little before his time.

As we like to say around here "OH MY!"

March Showers Bring May Flowers (or something like that)

Here are a few of my favorite flower pics Susanne has taken in recent years just to make this rainy day seem oh so worth it somehow! -M

Come on spring!

Da agony of da teeth ;-(

Well I don't know if we both just have short memories, or if Benji's pain with his molars coming in is just so much worse for him that it was for Danny.

This poor little boy. Two nights in a row now he's continued to wake up, crying. Arching, writhing, hitting...the poor guy is basically out of his mind with pain.

Last night we even did a preemptive strike with Tylenol before bedtime and it was as if we'd given him nothing. We finally used an infant type of topical numbing stuff for his gums. Tonight we'll try frozen bananas, ice cubes in a washcloth--whatever will work. We'll also try Ibuprofen to see if that works better for him.

I wish I could tell him that this is all done now, but I have no idea how long this will last.

I've decided that this is the one downside to being a mom. Watching your child suffer while feeling helpless. I'm praying tonight will be a peaceful one for him. -M

Our little soy boy...

Jenni guessed correctly that my art below was Benji. He was wearing a dark jacket with the hood up and a lighter colored vest. I think his face is pretty distinctive and I love the grin because although he is generally a happy little guy, when he scowls, he scowls!

We recently realized one reason for his periodic crankiness--turns out he may well be allergic to dairy. About a month ago after a week of him feeling sick and being really stopped up (yup on that end) we took him to Su's chiropractor who specializes in pregnant women and kids. She treated him with some stong yet gentle massages of his lower back and face, and strongly recommended that we try switching him to soy.

The results were pretty dramatic. He started sleeping better in the mornings after his typical crack of dawn bottle. And he just seemed happier. As the chiropractor told us "you'd be cranky too if you were constantly ingesting something that made you feel sick."

After a few weeks we tried to introduce some easily digestible dairy in the form of yogurt back into his diet but he immediately got stopped up and crankier again. So we'll hold off. Our doctor agrees that this might be an allergy. Some kids grow out of them so we'll just have to see what happens. In any case, he loves the organic soy milk which is HUGE. (Can you imagine if he didn't like it? Ugh!)

So, sweet as he can be, he certainly lets it be known when he is unhappy with any decision you may have made. But he's got a grin to die for, and when he's sleepy he's the cuddliest guy around.

He and Danny are quite the team. And we have a feeling they are just getting warmed up!

Have a great day everyone! -Monica

Just for fun...guess who?

Happy Choo Choo Birthday!!!!

Happy Birthday Susanne!

Is it really almost March 3rd again tomorrow? Well, then, tonight's the night Danny and I will make a special cake for Mama and the boys and I will "surprise" her in the morning with gifts and candles and song at the breakfast table.

It's so fun to see how Danny is excited yet a little jealous that this celebration if for Mama instead of for him. But he's especially psyched that his Nana will arrive from out of town tomorrow. It think it's great that Susanne's mom will be with her to celebrate her special day. I don't know if it's because my Mom passed away a few months ago or what, but I am finding myself feeling very pleased that Susanne gets the chance to share special moments like these with her Mom.

Our celebrations include fondu night with the family on Su's birthday and the next day a party with neighbors. I think we are going to have a splendid birthday party and wonderful weekend for my dear wife.

Honey, my wish for you is that this is the most fantastic birthday you have ever had. Love you sugar pie! -Monica

Make Way for Babies!

For those of you who know me in real life, you know that we have a really dear friend named Luis who I first met about 10 years ago when we started working together. He is one of our Danny's Godfathers (lucky boy has 2 Godfathers), and well anyway, Luis and his partner Steve decided, a few years ago, that they wanted to start a family. It took some time, but through the grace of God they are now fathers to three gorgeous little boys--Joaquin is about 10 weeks old, and twins Alex and Reggie are about 6 weeks old.

Their story is unique and I highly recommend you check out their blog called 2Men3Babies (it's also listed on our blog roll).

Well the exciting news is that they should be returning sometime later this month from the country of India where the IVF and labor and delivery took place. (Oh and all that stuff in between the IVF and the labor--bless the women who carried these dear children).

I think I'll let some of Luis's words from his blog speak for themselves. This is from a letter he wrote to his oldest son a few days after Joaquin was born--before Luis or Steve had even met him...

Joaquin,

Where do I start? What do I say first? You are 9 days old today and I have not yet had the opportunity to see you, hold you, or tell you how much I love you.  Daddy Steve is leaving tomorrow to be with you and I will soon follow.  I was talking about you today and it was suggested that I write you a letter.  Although I know that you can't yet read my words I pray that you can feel your Dad's love all the way over there as I count the moments until I can hold you in my arms.

When Daddy Steve arrives I am sending him with the fabric chord that has held the cross that I bought when Steve and I first departed to India to begin this journey.  I will ask Steve to take a piece of this chord and tie it around your little ankle or wrist so that you have a little part of me with you and know how much I want to be there with you.  When your siblings arrive in a few weeks I will take the remaining chord and will divide the remainder and finalize the sharing of the chord that has held all of my hopes and dreams of you and our family.

Speaking of our family, there may be those who will be confused or even question how it is that your daddies used a "non-traditional" way to bring you into their lives.  I want you to know that you were born in the most fundamentally traditional way, out of our love for one another.  Your daddies so loved each other that they wanted to expand that love and share that with you.  We had a number of Angels who helped in bringing you to us.

Son, I vow that I will try to be the best man that I can be for you and our family.  My heart is filled with such love and hope for you.  We are so happy that you are part of our lives and only ask that you continue to grow strong and healthy.  On the eve before Steve leaves to be with you and at the end of the year 2010, I look towards the new year and I pray for continued blessings and health.

Isn't that the sweetest letter you ever saw? I can't wait to see their little family of five soon! Have a great day everyone! -M

Here is a pic from Danny's baptism. Luis is right behind Susanne with the glasses and green tie.

Ch, ch, ch, cha...changes!

I know I don't really write much about my work on this blog, and that's kind of on purpose. But I will say I work for a large federal agency, and like I've said for a long time, it's not my "life's work" but as my life's work is my wonderful family, I find it pays the bills quite well and it truth be told, I actually like doing most of the work I do.

But on Monday I will actually start a new job. It's at the same agency but with a completely different organization. I've certainly changed jobs in my life in the past, but I find this transition odder than most, because the reason I'm making the change is because I've grown, how shall I say this? "disenchanted" with some people high above my pay grade in this place. I would never burn any bridges and say bad things about

any colleagues--that wouldn't be prudent (but if you've noticed I've left some space in between this line and the one above it. Feel free to read between those lines ;-)

My biggest angst though comes from the fact that my direct supervisor is awesome. Kind, caring, intelligent--she's an amazing mentor and I respect her with just about every ounce of my being. So it will be hard to no longer work for her. I do take solace in the fact that my new job will have overlap with some work she manages in my current organization so I will work with her again. And there is always coffee to be enjoyed on breaks from time to time.

So, transition time has come. I don't much like change. Who does? But this really is a positive move for me. Onward and upward! -M

Boys and their toys...

Mommy Tales...

I’ve recently decided, as my memory fades in my twilight years (okay, being a little dramatic here), that  I'd capture for your reading pleasure (and our sons’ edification someday) periodic "Mommy Tales".

These tales will span the decades, and story number one goes back to 1987.

The setting was a steamy summer day in Antigua, Guatemala. I was in my first month of training as a Peace Corps Volunteer and had just learned a very interesting fact in my training class. You see in Guatemala (as in many other parts of the world apparently) there is the concept called the “evil eye”.

This is usually some negative spirit from a stranger that can bring danger to little babies in particular.  Often parents have some tricks up their sleeve to guard against the evil eye. In fact I remember my Peace Corps friend Carrie even sharing that her mother (who is of Italian heritage) hung garlic behind her crib for this reason and that her dad had no idea. He just thought baby Carrie stunk for the first few months of her life! Her mom eventually fessed up, but I digress.

Anyway, so back to this steamy day in Guatemala. I’d just learned all about this “evil eye” which in Spanish is called “mal ojo”. Parents there painted a little red circle on their infant’s head to protect them from any evil out there. "How fascinating" I remember thinking.

Well, later that day I got on a crowded bus with some of my Peace Corps buddies, and lo and behold, I spied an adorable infant with a red circle. I was so excited!

So of course I began excitedly pointing at the baby’s head while loudly exclaiming in my terrible Spanish, “Look! Look! Evil Eye! Evil Eye! That little baby right there has the Evil Eye thing!”

You guessed it. Apparently seeing a gringa, redheaded stranger pointing and loudly shouting “mal ojo! mal ojo!” caused a some gasping and panic on the bus. To my credit, I realized immediately that I’d done something wrong, so I shut right up and dropped my head down to look as contrite and sorry as I possibly could.

Then my friends who spoke fluent Spanish smoothed things over by explaining something along the lines that I was just learning and was a little excitable. Thank goodness.

Truth be told though, I’ve never been able to quite shake the feeling though that they may have communicated something more along the lines that I had a super low IQ or something like that.

Ah well. Lesson learned. Think. Think some more. Then speak. Maybe. -M

Mommy with Peace Corps friends Mary Ellen, David, Liz and Jon a long, long time ago while serving as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Guatemala.

Must be a "mergency!"

This weekend we traveled to Boston, and the highlight of our trip was a personal tour of the largest firehouse in the city by none other than a real life fire captain!  I guess it comes in handy being friends with one of Boston's finest (firefighters are finest too right?)

Benji had fun grabbing any ropes he could get his hands on, and Danny just grinned a lot and kept saying "wow!" In particular he loved the two fire poles that the firefighters slide down on from the living quarters above!

A special shout out to my friend Leah and Captain Mark and their son Mike for giving us the tour, but also for taking care of all of our photography needs as well as we forgot our camera (thanks Mike! Great job!)

 -Monica

P.S. Danny was pretty relieved that a real fire alarm didn't go off in the station while we were there. Now that would have been a real 'mergency. A three year old's heart coming to a complete stop and all!

Head scratcher...

So the other night while visiting with neighbors, Danny burst out into that old familiar chant "We will, we will, rock you!"  "We will, we will, rock you!"

As he started to sing I thought to myself "aw, he must have learned that in school. How adorable."

Then my "aw" turned to a bit of shock when I realized what he was actually singing sounded an awful lot like "We will, we will, judge you!" "We will, we will, judge you!"

All four adults in the room looked at each other quizzically and of course we asked him to sing it again. Again, it sure did sound like he was doing his best Myers-Briggs Judging thing.

He insisted he was singing "rock--just like rockstar mom!" But all of our ears beg to differ. 

What next? Sha na na na, sha na na na, hey, hey, hey eat pie!"? -M

To my Valentine

Dear Susanne,

Some days are harder than others. Clothes and dishes to wash, food to prepare, little boys to focus on--and then all of the other many errands to do and decisions to make. And for the most part we do these things on little sleep thanks to our two early risers.

But I just want you to know that underneath all the mundane and all of the weariness, I hold in my heart for you a love that never stops burning. Yes, I'm sure that sometimes it must seem like that fire is just the tiniest ember struggling to keep smoldering. But smolder it does Susanne.

And just when I least expect it, I'll catch your eye from across a room, or collapse next to you on the couch at the end of a long day, and I am transported back  to those early days of our life together. The giddiness and  joy and wonder of you.

I guess I'm saying, even though I don't always show you how much I love you, I need you to know how very much I do.

Love, Monica

Crying Uncle! (Or is it Laughing Uncle?)

A surprise visit from Uncle Paul sure makes Benji's day as you can see in this pic. Even though Paul lives in Minnesota and we live in DC, the perk of working for a major airline makes it possible for him to come here fairly frequently.

Both Danny and Benji are delighted to have Uncle around--although I will say that I felt a twinge of jealously that Paul seemed to put Danny to bed so easily last night.

But then I thought "hey, I'm not the one putting him to bed! Wahoo!"  Presto, no more jealously!

So thanks for coming Paul. We always love it when you come to see us! -M

File under the category of "Really?"

So I couldn't help but notice that our new box of Q-Tips (I mean cotton swabs that one can compare to Q-Tips), that the instructions on the box come with a big CAUTION!!!!!

Apparently you are not supposed to let the swab enter your ear canal--just gently swab around the outer surface of the ear.

Huh?

That seems a little nutty to me. I mean, don't jam it down to your ear drum, but for gosh sakes, really?

On the bright side the box does say that you can use them for makeup application and blending, touching up nail polish, cleaning electronics and delicate baby care. Also for arts, crafts and hobbies.

Looks like somebody got sued once and our litigious society stepped in to make sure that no new earwax was ever removed, with permission, by one of their swabs.

Shessshhh! Maybe one day someone will sue for deafness attributed to copious amounts of buildup? Don't laugh! ;-)

BALL!

The official first word? Well... he also says ba ba (bottle).

And They Call it, Pop Pop Love...

 P.S. They were just playing! No actual grandfathers were injured in the making of this blog post. Oh, and although it looks like Danny took a swing, he actually just tickled and ducked ;-)

If he could talk...

Yes, if Benji could talk I do believe he'd be saying "You want a piece of this, huh? Do ya?"

We keep telling Danny, bless his heart, that even though he's got 2 1/2 years on his baby brother, he's only got about 6 pounds on him.

But don't let these pics fool you. The love each other to pieces. Usually. ;-)

When we lose a piece, we lose the peace...

As an add on to yesterday's letter to my family, I now do have something that I can share that pertains to Susanne. You see, as I've mentioned before, she is very good about matching stuff up. Socks, mittens, baby bottles with the tops etc...

And me? Not so good, nor very importantly, does it bother me.

But my dear wife, she doesn't like missing things. And this has been a pretty manageable state of affairs until this whole matching thing also began to apply to the toys. Yes, you heard me, THE TOYS.

The puzzles, and games, and blocks and matchbox cars and Lincoln Logs and sorting shapes cookie jars and what have you.

My philosophy is squarely on the side of "Don't sweat it. Those mysteriously disappearing pieces will turn up someday! Everything is somewhere after all."

And Susanne's philosophy is much more along the lines of "It's not logical. These toys and games have a finite number of parts/pieces. It makes no sense that any be missing."

Which makes good sense except when you factor in the young age and creative playing of our children.

So in a nutshell, when we lose a piece, we lose some of our peace.

But just to make sure to turn these lemons into lemon jello, I will add that FINDING a piece, is a cause for great rejoicing.

Gotta go. Find something. -Monica

Dear family,

Benjamin, honey, if you keep pursing your mouth like that every time we offer you food that does not meet your high expectations for flavor and texture, we are going to have to start calling you Percy. Not kidding baby boy.

Daniel, sweetheart, if you keep saying "you're not my friend anymore" you're going to have to hear us keep saying "That's right. I'm not your friend--I'm your mother!"

And last but not least my dearest Susanne...wait...I got nothing. Apparently you alone do not have any annoying habits that I can poke fun at. At least that I know about yet ;-)

Love, you know who

Benji's Big Reveal

Things are looking up for Benji. We are keeping our fingers crossed that he has just turned the corner on all that ailed him the past week or so.

On the bright side, he was well enough Saturday afternoon to take him to his very first haircut. Now without further ado, our little lamb. Our delightfully shorn little lamb!

Before and After

I know right? Cute no matter what! -M

Guess whose get up and go just got up and went?

Our little Benjamin has had a bit of a rough week. Vomiting, fever, really uncomfortable constipation* and today, the runniest nose ever.  

He's actually felt okay sometimes, but this series of pics from this morning pretty much tells the story. Here's to hoping that whatever is ailing him is on its way out now. -M

*Rice cereal, while good for keeping food down, is not his friend.

 

Making it look easy...

Welcome back reader or two. Thanks for hanging in there.

We were at a gathering of my favorite group of Peace Corps friends the other night when I had a revelation. You see, out of our group of a dozen or so, several had their children long before we did and so their "babies" are now in high school and college. The "kids" are very sweet and actually don't mind hanging out with us old folks once in a while because they get to see each other, and as they were all very well raised, they are just very sweet.

So my revelation as Susanne and I juggled (with lots of help of course from the adoring crowd) Danny and Benji and feeding them and keeping an eye on things etc...it dawned on me that it was really hard to just relax and have a grown up conversation with anyone for any period of time. My glass of wine spent the better part of the evening perched high on a shelf while I played the role of  "all star baby wrestling referee mom".

Oh, Su and I got to eavesdrop on a conversation or two, and chime in on a little bit more than just "little boy" minutia, but for the most part we were not really able to fully engage.

Most stunning for me was to realize that 10 or 15 years ago when the same crowd got together, I never realized how much work it was for my friends with young kids. Either they make it look easy, or more likely, I had no awareness whatsoever how hard they were working then. After all, I was flitting around, not a care in the world, never realizing that taking care of kids was quite so...so...all encompassing.

So kudos to Becky and Jeff and Steve and Kurula and Kate and Alvina and Hans. You have raised wonderful kids and I only hope that we can do 1/2 as good a job. And my respect for you all just grew a little greater the other night.  -Monica (and Susanne)

P.S. And thanks to you and your kids for all your help with our two whirling dervishes! AND..Dave and Gustavo, everything was delish!

Lights, Camera, Action!

Somebody had to be this Monkey's Uncles...

My brothers Neil and Paul enjoyed seeing Danny last month even on the sad occasion of attending our mom's funeral. I'll always smile when I remember how much she loved these silly, silly boys. -M

The Eyes of the Beholder

We've never been thrilled to live within a stones throw from a city warehouse. We shouldn't complain though. It's fairly quiet and doesn't have any noxious smells or anything.

But I'm pretty sure in the minds of our two little boys, having a warehouse with trucks and pallets and forklifts and stuff RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW must be what heaven is like. ;-)

Here is Benjamin a few minutes ago, soaking in the love. -M

P.S. Lest I forget, the choo choo trains run right behind the warehouse so when the trees are bare like now, every 15 minutes or so, he has just another reason to squeal with delight!

Out of the mouths of babes...

The other night at dinner we were chattering away about nothing in particular. Maybe pre-school or getting a pet fish or Benji's most recent habit of showing us "see food" in his mouth every night.

But suddenly out of the blue, our three year old stopped his chattering. He pointed first to Susanne and then to me, and with the most serious face ever said...

"Mama. Mommy. Anything you want, I get it for you."

You can say it. We sure did. "Awwwwwwwwwwwwww".

Smurfect. Just Smurfect!

So I always knew that Susanne had a collection of Smurfs she'd had ever since she was a kid. They were somewhere packed in the basement, and as she recalled, her Opa in Germany used to get her new Smurf characters quite often. She hoped that one day her own children would enjoy them.

Fast forward a bunch of years and her little one year old Benji one day noticed a lone Smurf perched on our kitchen shelf. He was instantly entranced. Enamored. In love.

Yes, this little Smurf could not be ignored. Any time he'd set eyes on it, Benji had to have it! Why here's his a pic of his favorite Smurf.

Well just the other day we had friends over and long story short, while Benji was already asleep, she brought out her collection. Wow. She has dozens and dozens of the little blue guys. Who knew?

I've been a little nervous to let Benji actually see the Smurf collection--afraid his little heart might just burst or something.

But this evening he's a little under the weather and we decided it was time. I brought him down from upstairs to our dining room where Danny was already having fun with all those Smurfs.

You should have seen Benji's eyes! He was so excited. And as a matter of fact, while I type this, he's still downstairs with Susanne playing with his new friends. I think it's the beginning of a beautiful friendship!

Oh Toodles!

Thank you Stimey for your comment that I shouldn't leave you hanging with my Toodles story. It's not really much of a story, but when Danny was really little we went to Florida and he fell in love with Micky Mouse. (Not that we paid to go to Disney or anything...we went to the Kennedy Space Center and Sea World I believe). 

But to this day he loves to watch Mickey. And whenever I hear "Oh Toodles", I can picture him giving his first high 5. At the airport in Florida. Where saying hi to Mickey is free! -M

I'm blogging! I'm blogging!

I've got absolutely nothing to say, but at least I'm blogging again. Ummm...well would you look at the time? 5:29 pm. Time to head home to my funny little family. Toodles!

Which reminds me of a funny thing from Mickey Mouse, but that will be for another day. Bye now. -M

From Little Drummer Boy to Little Runner Boy...

Our little sweetheart took his first steps yesterday while at Jenni's. Can't believe it. Benji? Benji? Where are you baby?

Good grief...

Grief. I don't like it. And there really is not much very good about it at all so I'm not sure why Charlie Brown was so fond of saying it.

I once read that people who are on that path of being with a loved one as they are nearing death needs to take care of themselves as well as a marathoner training to run 26.2. The only difference is that you don't know whether the end will come in hours or days. And in case you have never been on this road before, what happens is that you don't feel much like eating. You don't realize how thirsty you are until you take a drink of water. And sleeping? You can sort of forget about sleeping with any peace in those final moments/days/weeks. Taking care of yourself is just about the last thing on your mind.

When our dad died in 2002 I was in Minnesota. I was there with my siblings and our mom during that vigil for him. This time with mom's death last week, I was not there. I'd visited her in the days prior to her dying but was home in Washington, DC when she breathed her last. One of my brothers tried to comfort me as he drove me to the airport after I'd hugged and kissed her goodbye for what I knew was the last time. "It's easier to be far away" he said. "When you are here every moment that you are not with her you feel awful".

I know what he was saying. And reflecting back on those last few days when the hospice nurses had told us the end could come any time, it was easier for me to go about doing the things already in the works. It was Christmas Eve after all. Took Danny with neighbors to a movie. My hand never left my blackberry waiting for the vibration I'd feel when the call came that she was gone. But the call didn't come then.

Into the night I waited. Slept fitfully, waiting for that call. So sad for all my brothers and sisters who'd been sitting with her for hours on end. So sad to imagine her laboring to breathe. Grateful for the pain management I knew she was receiving.

Mom didn't die that night, nor the next morning. Like my father, my mother had a strong heart. After all the other systems had failed her heart continued to beat. At 7 pm on Christmas night my sister Alice called and said "she's gone". I can still hear her words echoing in my brain. I will be able to tell you til my dying day everything about that moment. It's seared in my memory forever.

Grief takes its time. It tricks you. You start feeling a bit better. You remember all the happy times and how relieved you are that your loved one is now free from pain. Then grief gets you. Good.

Maybe that's where Good Grief comes from -M

Happy New Year everyone

Hi there friends and family. I know it's been a while since I've blogged, but with my mom doing so poorly and then passing away on Christmas, it's been a tough time. The wake and the funeral were both very lovely. I like to think that I'm doing pretty well with everything--she is in a better place I know, but at the most random times I think of something and I'm moved to tears. I miss her.

Susanne and the boys traveled to Minnesota too and that was really special. Our dear friend Amy and her family were kind enough to let us stay with them and that was wonderful medicine for the soul. The boys had other kids to play with and I got to see some friends I had not seen in ages too. Danny and Benji also loved playing with their cousins which was really nice.

I think that at the wake the part that kept choking me up was looking at her hands. Those hands that had wiped away so many tears and held me in her arms. I used to have terrible earaches as a kid and mom could always comfort me like no other.  Everyone had such touching and funny stories to tell. She was laid to rest in a grave between her father and her husband (our dad) and somehow that seems so right to me.

So we are now back home and life goes on. We've had unseasonably warm weather in DC so on the night of January 1st I put the boys to bed in their flannel one piece PJs and covered them both with a comforter for Danny and a sleep sack for Benji. At around 10 pm Danny woke up sweating and complaining that he was hot and thirsty. It was 60 degrees out! I had no idea. I kept thinking "honey, I've melted the kids!"

Fortunately they did not really melt but they slept that night just fine with no covers. Of course now two days later it was 28 degrees at night so all is back to normal. I just have to remember what normal is.

Alrighty then. Back to life. Sigh... -M