Thursday, December 22, 2011

Through the Eyes of a Child...

This morning I had a really touching moment that I'm still thinking about.  I was driving the boys to Jenni's and we were quietly listening to Christmas music on the radio. I was suddenly transported back to a year ago when my cell rang when I was at a Post Office with Benji. My sister Alice told me to hold on--I'd like this.  Mom had been unable to speak at all in the preceding days when I was back home in Minnesota—after two hip breaks in one year, things had turned dire.  And here she was, with Alice holding her cellphone to her ear speaking to me as I held tiny Benji, telling me she loved me.  I was overwhelmed with joy in that moment.

So on the drive this morning I was thinking of that call and got lost in a reverie, remembering long ago Christmases with mom and just could not stop the tears from silently rolling down my face.  I didn't look back at the boys at first as I didn't want them to see me cry. But two year old Benji was watching me. When I caught his eye in the rear view mirror after a while, he pointed to his eyes and put his head down. A few moments later, without a sound he looked up and his eyes were brimming with tears.   

I was at once so moved by his amazing empathy but alarmed that he was so sad. Then Danny looked at Benji and asked me why Benji was crying. Then Benji burst out in tears. I told him that I thought Benji had seen me crying and that made him cry too. "Yeah" Benji wailed.

We talked about how sad I was that Grandma had died. I was trying to regain my composure when Danny gently told me that "Mommy at the end of your years you get to go to heaven to be with God". This choked me (and thus Benji) up even more. These boys. They soothe my soul.

When we got to Jenni's, she quickly got them excited about making ornaments and I was glad to see them happy again.

My brothers and sisters and I and all of our extended family are going to have these moments of intense sadness in the days to come.  Mom died on Christmas Day last year and there is something very powerful about that. I will forever be grateful that she was alive and doing well when our children were born. I will be forever sad that she is no longer with us. But to paraphrase a wise 4 year old, at the end of my years, I’ll see her again.  -Monica

Mom, my brother Paul, Danny, me and Benji two months before mom passed away.

1 comment:

Strawberry said...

Many hugs to you.