Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Just some more baby love...

I just realized that the story I want to tell today is probably one of those stories best kept confined to my own heart. I even told Susanne about it and she thought it was really sweet, but even as I was telling it, I knew that my words were not able to do justice to the love that welled up in me as I experienced it.

It’s really a rather normal story—a start to a day just like most others. But in a 10 second period of time I felt emotions I’d never felt before. Feelings that were wonderful, intense, gentle and all-encompassing.

So, here’s the story. You won’t feel the magic I did. But just scrunch up your eyes and imagine if you can.

Danny is now almost 15 months old, but he’s still kind of a little guy and when he’s asleep in his crib in his little onsie, all curled up, he is still my little, little baby fresh from Susanne’s womb.

I’d been in earlier in the morning to give him a bottle and do a quick diaper change and he’d settled back into a deep and contented sleep.

Since it was time to get going though, I quietly slipped into his still somewhat darkened room and took a step or two past where he lay sleeping. I’ve mentioned before that when we come in he loves to scramble up the side of the crib to reach out for us, but usually when he does this he’s wide awake and chattering up a storm.

Not Sunday morning. I’d slid to the other end of his crib and he sensed that someone was in the room. But I’m guessing he thought Susanne or I was near the doorway. What happened next will stick on my mind forever.

With his eyes still completely closed, and I’m certain, still asleep, he began a wobbly climb up the side of the crib. Without his eyes to see, with but months of memory to guide him, he pulled his little body upward, head cocked toward the door where he figured we were. Then without a sound he reached his arms out over the edge of the crib and lay his heavy head down in them still fast asleep.

I couldn’t tell you for the life of me why this scene touched my heart so. All I could think of was our newborn Daniel just over a year ago; his eyes not yet open rooting to find his first taste of mama’s breast milk. Or in some strange sense he seemed like a little newborn animal making his first tenuous foray into the big loud world.

When I reached down to stroke his little back and rub my face into his sweet hair, I felt such tremendous love. He rubbed my face right back, and as I gently scooped him up he already had a smile on his sweet, sweet face as I kissed his little nose and cheeks and his now opened eyes.

What would a therapist say? Was it his vulnerability, his trust or his innocence that melted my heart? Oh wait. I don’t care! Some things you’ve got to just accept as the gifts they are without trying to dissect them too much. I think for me, this is one of them. -Monica


Xbox4NappyRash said...

Oh my.

That was beatiful in a very breathless way.

Can come and live with you all?

Susanica said...

Well it's kind of like you are family X-box. Come along for a visit to the U.S. with the wife and kid next year would ya? ;-) -Monica

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Dont joke!

We have 2 weeks in September to play with!

actually for some reason, I fancy Minnesota!

Susanica said...

Minnesota IS nice. But if you went there you'd have to visit my mom--it's where I grew up. Su and Danny and I live in DC though. ;-)

LT said...

I had missed this post before, but now that I found it, I've got to comment on how wonderful it is :)