As my beautiful Susanne wrote the other day, we can hardly believe our great fortune. We are actually having a baby! Even though I've read lots of books on lesbian parenting, and even watched Rosie's Gay Cruise documentary (its was a hoot by the way), nothing could have prepared me for the joy that I've felt these past few day. Being by nature a "little bit" of a worry wart you'd think I'd be filled with fears and racing thoughts of future, but I'm not. I find myself just feeling sort of in awe of the fact that Susanne is carrying a little ball of cells that according to all the literature has things like a rudimentary brain, a functioning heart and even a mouth! Just last night she was telling a fun group of friends that she suspects that if my genes were somehow included in the mix, our baby's little mouth would probably be talking! (She's probably right! ;-) I take no offense, I just keep on blabbing!
I keep thinking about a poem, or verse I believe was written by Martin Luther centuries ago. It went “Dear Lord Jesus for your head, I will make the softest bed. The chamber where this bed shall lie is in my heart inside of me. I will sing for you a soft and soothing lullaby, so soft that you will never cry.” I’ve always thought this was beautiful, and I see a connection between it, and the thought of Susanne’s perfect body holding the very softest bed where our baby is growing, warm, protected and so loved by both of us.
But this morning my emotions are really all twisted in a ball—not because of anything to do with our happy news, rather because last night we got a call that my beloved Aunt Ann had passed away. She was my mom’s sister and up until a month ago she was quite healthy. Then suddenly she was having some odd symptoms of forgetfulness and lethargy. She was scheduled to see a neurologist later this month. This week while visiting her adult children in NY she got very sick. She was hospitalized Monday, put on a ventilator on Wednesday and died Friday after experiencing major organ failure. My mom was flying into
So I’m very sad. We still don’t know why she died which is hard. I’m so sad for my mom. When we spoke again this morning she told me about the lifetime of memories that just kept spinning in her mind. They are the stories that are never told in words, they are silent words deep in one’s own self.
I was reminded of the Indigo Girls song lyrics that say “don’t take a picture; remember this in your heart.” Aunt Ann, if you can hear us up there in heaven please know that you are forever remembered and cherished in our hearts. Love you always, Monica